the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
