the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
