Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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