Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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