My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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