My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
