It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bring money and cleavage
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
