why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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