mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
