In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
