why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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