Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
