how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
