..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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