if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
