All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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