then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize