dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
