I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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