Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
