there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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