Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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