there's paper in my vomit.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
