sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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