Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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