I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm really busy with my period
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