also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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