Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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