Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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