Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize