Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize