a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
