The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize