Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize