So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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