90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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