please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize