How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
