Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
