You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
