there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
