I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
