its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
