She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize