Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
