Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
