she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
