it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When are your genitals available?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize