i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
