Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
