quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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