I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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