How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
