he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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