you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
