yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize