so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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