If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
