guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
