the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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