I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Couch. On fire.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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